Memories and Influences
During your lifetime there are many events that are memorable and influential. There are also those times in your life when you behave in a not so admirable way and even wish you could go back and change some of your actions. These not so admirable times are the ones that should teach you the most about yourself and your reactions to others. As you look back at your life and see these times, they shouldn’t cause regrets but have taught you lessons. One of my not so admirable times that I learned from was when I was hurting two people that I cared about dearly because I was scared to feel what I felt.
The event that sticks out in my mind as one of my life teaching lessons was when I caused pain to two men that I loved more than myself. At the time, I was dating a man, named Michael, who was a year younger than I was. Also, at the same time, I was best friends with a man named Jim who was older than I was.
Jim and I had been best friends for about a year and during this time my feelings for him grew into more than just friends. As my feelings continued we discussed the possibility of a relationship but decided that it was better for both of us to remain friends. This was agreed upon because neither of us were willing to risk losing our friendship or our current situation. This left me feeling hurt and confused but, also relieved to know that no matter what happened from then on we would make it. We had both agreed that we would put everything we had into this friendship including our whole heart. As time went on, I worried about losing him to someone else that he loved more than a friend, more than me. Yet surprisingly enough, it was not him who found someone else it was I.
One of the first things that I was about to realize was when you least expect something to happen that is when it usually does. It was December and it was Christmas time and I thought I couldn’t be happier. I had everything I thought I wanted. My best friend and I were doing really good, my job was going wonderful, and my family and I were getting along.
It was Christmas Day and I was visiting one of the families that I babysat for to drop off their gifts and that is when my heart first started to be torn in two. I met Michael that day and he was amazing and began to show me what it was to love someone that loves you back in the same way. Mike and I began talking and dating and we ended up getting serious fast. Then he had to go back home to Colorado, which was tough. When Michael went back I was glad to be in a true relationship but, was scared of how it would change things for me.
These two relationships I was involved with were very different. Both of them depended on how I reacted to one another. The feelings I had constantly were of guilt, love, fear, and happiness but were always felt for each of them. When I was with Michael I was usually happy and I knew our love was mutual but this caused me to feel guilt. This guilt was felt because I let my heart be with someone other than my best friend. This left me feeling disappointed and scared that he would walk out of my life. Although, when I was with Jim I felt guilt for letting another guy have my heart. I constantly felt my heart was being pulled in two different directions. The most important lesson I learned from this experience was that true friends are always there for me, no matter what the circumstance. Also, if you are with someone and you love them, they understand if you have friends that share your heart. Always love with your heart and know that you will have enough love to go around.
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